i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
