when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
