Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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