First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
