I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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