Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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