I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
