You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
