I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
