Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
