Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
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he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
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Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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