my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
it was like eating out sand paper
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
