we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
