Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
