I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
We named our party play list daddy issues
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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