I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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