EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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