Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
