they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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