I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
