who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
