I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
