i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We left the knife in your bed.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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