how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
