walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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