I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
