just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
