just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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