I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
