My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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