see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
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Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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