I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
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I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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