So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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