Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
cat food counts as protein by the way
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
