don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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