Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
