the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
