i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
