You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
