I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
