I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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