Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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