she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
