Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
