I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
