the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
