i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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