My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
