peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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