Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
