I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
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I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
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I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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