even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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