Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
