Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
