if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Semen is not good for contacts.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
