I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
