Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
