Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
