sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
