oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
