alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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