If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
