She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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